Coming and Going

So, s*x with a client…

(Knew that would catch your attention)

First off, may I categorically state that I have NOT participated in ANY activities of a perverse or s*xual nature with this woman. I have, however, unfortunately borne witness to some extraordinary and darkly disturbing near-org*smic activity which in turn has scarred my mind with both visuals and a soundtrack of old wrinkle-tits in the sack with her ankles behind her ears squealing like a wild boar on merry-go-round!

Methinks an explanation would be somewhat beneficial at this point.

Maam, my GOTM who’s nanny must have left the lid off the Royal Jelly back in the dark ages, has what can only be described as a rather noisy approach to appreciation. In short she appears to org*sm every 7 minutes. Every time the woman so much as chews a mouthful of something as banal as a poached egg or has a swig of her very own pressed apple juice, her royal highness practically slips off her chair in excitement, groaning like a goat in labour. God forbid you should bring out her tomatoes from her garden for dinner; the neighbours will need a cigarette after THAT performance!
Regulated to mealtimes, this kind of behaviour can be bearable to some extent but, for my sins, extends far beyond the confines of the dinner table. The bowls from Provence, the orchid on the windowsill, the bloody metal fire prod thingy her father ‘invented’ and the cabbages in the veggie patch, all wield the supernatural power of a 200 volt vibrator in a bath tub. Christ Almighty!

Luckily, having learnt a lesson from my joyous stay with the demented bat Lemony, I told The Agency I’d only agree to the first two weeks upfront, as they had asked me to do four. Gave them a little tinkle on my newly acquired Vodafone sim card yesterday (the only network which works in this godforsaken little backwater) to say that I would be packing my bags next Wednesday and getting my freezing cold, chicken shit covered bum back to civilization. Sorry but if she’s coming, I’m going.

** I've had to amend this slightly due to all the complaints of firewalls blocking my humble scribblings! Funny that they don't seem to mind the F word but heaven forbid one should say org*asm!!!! What is this world coming too (pun unfortunately intended)?