Rustic Hell 101

Coursework (1st Semester)

• Poultry & General Husbandry
  o Avoiding Bone Fractures When Slipping in Fresh Excrement
  o French Manicures & Chicken Feed
  o Wellies & You – Farmyard Haute Couture
  
• How To Live Without An Internet Connection
  NOTE: This will be the first in the "How To Live Without’ series. Other subjects include How To Live Without A Microwave, How To Live Without A Daily Cappuccino, and most importantly How To Live Without A Cigarette Every Hour. The series will be concluded with a final seminar entitled "How To Live."
  
• Roasting a Guinea Fowl, Eating It, and Keeping It Down
  
• Operating an Aga (Suggested reading: What The F*ck IS an Aga?!)
  
• "CHRIST ALMIGHTY!" and it’s many uses
  
• How To Serve The Gardener His Coffee Whilst Maintaining A Smile
  NOTE: The practical examination will test your ability to sustain unfaltering composure when the dirty old pr*ck exclaims he wants more milk and orders you to fetch it from the fridge immediately.
  
• Carbon Dating Cutlery & Crockery With Panache
  
• The Symbiotic Relationship Between Firewood & Arachnids
  
• Items Which CAN Go Into The Dishwasher
  This subject will consist of only one lecture

NB
Campus transport is in short supply. It is strongly recommended that you budget at least an hour and a half out of your daily two hour break if you intend on seeking out civilization.
Tea is served every thirty seconds.
Straight jackets need to be fitted for size and ordered well in advance. Please reserve these as soon as you arrive to avoid disappointment/suicide.

Suggested reading for Post Graduation:
Gumtree.co.uk - This is an excellent resource for long term accommodation in Greater London.
Creative Review – Advertising jobs in London
The Guardian – Publishing jobs in London
Belle De Jour – Excellent advice on becoming a High Class Whore in London (Not to be confused with Advertising).

Welcome to Hell.