Good Life Or Death

You know you’ve made it when you start receiving death threats. Not little preschool collages which say ‘I’ll get you, bitch’ cut out from crappy issues of Cosmo and the side of a Butlers’ pizza box. No, the more sinister kind which arrive in your inbox and say if you don’t continue blogging whilst you’re on holiday (you bitch) we’ll hunt you down and wee on your computer. Scary stuff. The thing is, whilst I do value my life, my computer really could do with an upgrade so it does all sound a little tempting to be honest. I really thought I’d hide from the world for two whole weeks especially as I will probably find myself in a position where I am completely chilled and unable to even utter anything slightly offensive and profane. Even as I type this I am sitting on my balcony safe in the lush southern suburbs, gazing lovingly at the mountain as the sun slips softly behind it, an icy glass of Vrede en Lust’s Chenin/Semillon blend next to me and I can hear the Egyptian Geese squawking as they fly over. That’s not the kind of shit that’s interesting now is it? For those of you still in the UK, well, you want to read how shit the weather is, how many times I’ve been mugged and how much I’m missing my daily Starbucks injection, just so you can feel that you’ve got a good deal. It ain’t happening. Frankly, there’s no point in blogging whilst I’m all rustig coz its going to be dreamy and delicious and you’ll think I’ve gone soft and I greatly value my ‘offensive little heinous bitch’ image and couldn’t possibly jeopardize it. So, if in the unlikely event I feel like I’m about to claw somebody’s eyes out, threaten to shove 43 cheeseburgers down some skanky schmodel’s gullet or am overcome by an urge to maim/murder, believe me, you’ll be the first to know. However, if that beer’s been running through your system and you feel you may need to relieve yourself, give me a shout and I’ll arrange my laptop to be poised and waiting…