A Century Of Crap.

Well loyal blogger-buddies, we've done it. I've managed skryf 100 posts and you've managed to read them. Ok, not all of them but I reckon Kyk has cast an eye over 95% which makes him twinkle like a little star, whilst maintaining a certain degree of manliness of course.
For those who fell along the away, sies on them. For all you who joined along the way, how bored were you?

Anyway, should you feel so inclined, herewith a little collection of what i think were some of the noteworthy moments in this wild adventure that has been Granny Wrangling. Some to tickle, some to shock, some to emphasize the CRAP i've been through, and some just coz i loved writing them.

•• Mavis The Marvellous (no relation to Seth's chick)

•• I'm Blind!!!

•• who-what-where-how-when-why-me?

•• Keep Your City Beautiful

•• The Goddamn Fucking Chicken Wrangler Trilogy: Rustic Hell 101 closely followed by Coming and Going and of course the video The Chicken Wrangler.

•• Ode To A Skidmark

•• A Pint At The Typhoid Arms

•• F Is For Funny

•• Same Day, Different Shit

•• The End Is Naai

It troubles me to realise how many cleaning products are contained in the above content. Thanks y'all, i loves ya. I really loves ya. (If you didn't nominate me for the blog awards then i don't but i'm just pretending to).

**SMOOCH**

A Pint At The Typhoid Arms

Bleurgh. I feel like crap. Cabin fever is getting to me in a big way. It's a Sunday afternoon and in an attempt to escape I've found myself stuck in the dingiest little pub England has ever seen, terrified of even looking at the menu in case an insidious blob of salmonella leaps off and makes babies on my face, amidst a sea of poms whose sole purpose in life, it seems, is to put the 'arse' into Arsenal Supporter.
Hazy action replays of premier league football are silently blaring from about 43 screens throughout the room (I counted them). If it's one thing the English are good at (and it probably really is only one, if you don't count making a damn good Peshwari Nan) it's ensuring that even if you are so sh*t-faced you couldn't tell the difference between the end pocket in a pool table and a urinal, you will still be able to see the game on at least 7 different screens, depending on at which angle your lager-filled neck has decided to hang your flushed and pimply little head. Despicable.
I'm only here because some idiot has left their nearby wireless connection un-password-protected and I'm milking his stupidity for all it's worth. That and the fact that a taxi to the nearest outpost of civilization will cost me £30, which, when the only movie playing there is Casino Royale, sounds about as appealing as riding the escalator in a central London tube station with my tongue sliding lovingly up and down the handrail whilst i fondle the members of the menagerie nestled in the resident Jamaican busker's dreads with my freshly manicured nails.
Oh I'm just such a bundle of joy today.

The Merry-Go-Round

Well bring in the clowns, my life just became a fairground! It's taken a while but i thought it was now high time i introduced you to the latest addition to the list at the top right hand side of this page. May i present Candy Floss: Pink and sweet but that's about it. Bless.

After my treacherous adventures 'oop north' with Lemony, i vowed i wouldn't take anymore jobs with Alzheimer's patients. I have also vowed never to smoke in bed, never to have a one night stand and never EVER to succumb to England's hideous fashions this season. Of course as i write this I'm in bed with a pair of black footless tights on and a Marlboro Light. And any offers of a one night stand would be eagerly accepted at this stage.

My newest Alzheimer's ouma has just headed off to the day centre for the day. The things we do for money huh? Although to be fair, Candy Floss, whilst sharing a vague confection-connection with Lemony, has nothing else in common with her. She is a real sweetheart who lives in a haze of confusion, bewilderment and unhappiness, and is fully aware that she's losing it, even if she doesn't know who i am from one minute to the next and has revolving conversations which spin at a dizzying pace. She thinks I'm from Australia. I have decided to let that one slip. My heart just breaks to see it.

Hands up who didn't realise i had a soft side?