Kumbaya Se Ma.

The world's bloody Do-Gooders are starting to irritate the living sh*t out of me (insert additional and totally unnecessary gratuitous expletives for effect).

'CO2 emissions', 'Recycling', 'Organic' and 'Fairtrade'. Four words which, were it not for my unfortunate tendency to enjoy profanity, would be four letter words.

All of the above: a desperate attempt by the majority to 'do the right thing'. For god's sake people. We're a bunch of puppets, all running around tearing our hair out over which colour bin we should put things into. Empty envelope? Chuck it in the paper bin. Oh no wait, it has one of those window thingys. Better rip it open and take out the window and put it in the bin created especially for bloody window thingys. Which is pink with stripes. By the way.

We are forced to feel some kind of Catholic guilt on steroids for even contemplating taking a flight anywhere. But anywhere. I'm sorry but when i feel like going home i sure as f*ck won't be dialling Rent-A-Mule for a trans-continental trip across Africa. I'd never get that kind of leave and besides, donkeys enjoy a healthy dose of flatulence and the levels of CO2 emissions would have me reciting countless Hail Marys and regretfully flagellating my sinful thighs with a stick of organic rhubarb (which i'll make sure is disposed of in the little bucket labelled 'compost' once i'm done) for weeks on end.
And then there's the whole Buy Organic orgy. Forgive my pedantry but doesn't 'organic' denote something which is living? F*ck i can't remember a time i enjoyed a steel tomato as much as the one i had last night and as for that last consignment from BionicVeg last week, well, they're now doing a ball-bearing-less grapes. This sh*t is dreamed up for people who want to be able to jump up and down in their Priuses screaming 'look at me look at me, i'm doing 'the right thing'! I give goats to villages at Christmas, my children don't have nasty pesticides on their food (pity), i buy bananas for the Fairtrade logo because i don't realise the only people benefitting from it are the strategy fat cats and the packaging people who picked their noses for an hour and then shat out a piece of piss-poor design. My car cost me an arm and a bloody leg but hey, it's environmentally friendly and besides, everyone will stop their nasty cars and stare, agape, worshipping me because i embody all that is socially attractive and they will bring their children begging me to anoint them with organic extra virgin olive oil! And because i'm such a f*ckwit I'll continue to believe that i'm most probably the single most perfect human being on the planet. My GOD i rock.'

What the hell makes such a tiny, muddy, colourless little island so important? Do you honestly believe you'll single-handedly make a difference? Try explaining to a starving disease riddled child in the third world that it's in his best interests to rather walk to the hospital 4 towns away or that he should eat something organic. Eating anything is one hell of a privilege for a terrifyingly large percentage of the planet. Do something closer to home. Donate money to AIDS/Cancer/Malaria research, hell, develop a strategy for keeping your 12 year old's legs closed or something, but for god's sake, the world has been getting hotter for a billion years and no matter what we eat we should be grateful that we have food on our plates in the first place. That's a fair trade isn't it?