Like pregnant pre-schoolers, pustule fodder disguised as 'Fish 'n Chips' and celebrity racial slurs, nothing quite screams 'British' like the Health & Safety standard issue yellow reflective vest.
As abundant as puddles of vomit in any given Walkabout, or Burberry at a Wimbledon bus stop, these convivial little jackets are just British through and through. The very essence of the culture and everything it stands for. Caution erring on the side of stupidity. A desire to 'do the right thing'. And general f*cking uselessness.
Gone are the days where you find yourself hurtling down the road in your BMW and suddenly spy a blinding glare of chartreuse on the road up ahead, causing immediate skidmarks on both tarmac and leather interior as your stomach sinks in anticipation of a speeding fine and fifty billion points* on your licence. No, these days in Sunny England, what would, in any other normal country, be an illustrious member of the Highway Patrol traversing the country roads with his little radar gun (peeewpeeewpeeew!) is more than likely a Royal Hedgehog Protection Volunteer (RHPV), a school child with a hall pass or a bus driver who's stopped to take a leak.
No, I am not sh*tting you. Ok the RHPV oke yes.
Practically every goddamn activity now requires the use of these fashionable little boleros. And why? Just ask "Owfensayf'ee"**. Bus drivers wear reflective vests. Board any bus on the island and you are guaranteed to come face-to-side-of-face with Jaundice Jerry and his merry dayglo jersey. What, i ask you with tears in my eyes, is the bloody point?? His Owf? His Sayf'ee? Gee, mind the bus driver, almost didn't see him inside that F*CK-OFF BIG RED BUS!!
If you're riding a horse you have to wear a vest. Just in case a hedgehog doesn't see you coming. Or a bus driver (coz you'll sure as f*ck see him). Is this meant to distinguish a rider and his mount from say a tree? Because a tree wouldn't be in the middle of the f*cking road now would it dipshit?
Hunters wear them (great camo buddy) Parents dress their spawn in mini versions, ugly dogs are made uglier by the pet version and soon they'll start putting them on the mannequins in the Selfridges windows with the usual crappy "I Taught Your Boyfriend That Thing You Like" and "Daddy's Little Money Grabbing Wh*re" slogans and we can all own our own little piece of putridity. For the love of GOD people do something useful with the f*cking things! Like cover Russell Brand's head with one so we don't have to look at him anymore. That would take care of my personal health and safety.
* Another truly British obsession. What with Weight Watchers and the Traffic Department on steroids the country's gone Point Bevok.
** Health & Safety for those of you who don't speak Chav.
12 March 2007
MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS
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8 comments:
The worst thing about those yellow shirts, at least in my neighbourhood, is that they come with an ever increasing price tag. Park anywhere near one these days, and not only do you have to fork out like 5 bucks for 20min, thats before you leave your car not when you return, and just in case you feel like jumping the bill, if perhaps you come back a little later.. They punch all your detials into a little machine and send you a fine via the cops if you do run for it....
As if the weather isn't bad enough, now you have to deal with all these car-guard wannabes. Will the horror never stop?
oh Lordy Kyk, don't give the car-guards any ideas, or next they'll be demanding some sweet yellow-safety-jacket action.
It could be worse though. They could start wearing helmets. and carrying stop signs.
LMFAO!!!
Yes, those ugly things are everywhere! And watch out, or they'll be coming to a H&V/Topshop near you!
The Brits are big for causes. Maybe because they're the cause for there having to be a cause...still following me?
godsgimp: ah yes, how could we forget the desirable officious quality these things lend to 'kagguds'.
kyk:do not, i repeat do not get me started on the weather.
betenoir: those signs will be "Stop... Or I'll Shoot" signs.
insano: i'm following you. trying to reattach your ass which fell off back there. hey i should try that :)
Thats so fucked! It appears that the UK is trying to cultivate a carguard culture but it's so fucked up by the fact that everyone takes the tube, they they've lost the plot and have gone dib befok!
I remember a time before the carguard explosion (*sadistic snigger*.. kaboom!) when life was oh so sweet.
If I could turn back time, I would have bought shares in the reflective bib industry.. or better yet, grabbed my own one, and got paid for standing next to cars and doing FUCK ALL!! Professional beggars...
Can't say much for the Owfensayf'ee.. just yet
revo: ok was that 'dib befok' or 'bib befok'? just checking.
duke: you'd make a pretty car guard. hell you could watch my car. for a FIVER.
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