Exhibit Number One:

Description: “Swan” Compact Teasmade.
Location: Dangerously close to my bed.

Firstly, I’d like to open the discussion by posing a rather important and exceptionally intellectual question. What the fuck is it?!

Could it be a time capsule where miniature evil swans from the future teleport themselves into your room late at night and peck you to death should you fail to leave a sacrificial fresh tea bag as a humble offering before you turn out the light? I haven’t slept a wink knowing that this portal of death sits ever so dangerously close to my head, it’s two little red eyes glowing in the darkness. A street lamp flickers on the pavement outside and every hair on the back of my neck stands on end as I swear I can hear the demonic flapping of molten bionic feathers beating against my window pane.

On the bright side, at least it has a 6” x 4” slot where you can slip a picture "of your choice" in so you have a happy memory right before you as your blood spills onto the pillow and you begin your slow and excruciating decent into the bowels of swan hell.