Schnaarfing Coke

I think the doos who runs Coca Cola deserves a bitch slap.

I remember the old days. If you liked coke, you drank coke. If you didn't, you could sod off and drink meths or petrol. They couldn't care less, because at the time, roughly 2.6 billion people (excluding the pygmies, various refugees and most probably George W Bush) knew you couldn't beat the feeling. Coke was coke was coke. And lumo roll down socks were hot. Things change.

Fast Forward to 2006 where, when you walk into any shop in England, you'd better brace yourself for one monumental branding c*ck up. There are now a staggering NINE different ways to banish toilet stains or de-crust the build up on your car battery.

The latest little variant which the brand pimps are whoring around like a lady boy with 6 nipples and a Corvette, is Coke Zero - a sugar free variant targeting men who won't drink Diet Coke coz they think it's faggy. I'll give it to Coke that they do deliver on their promises - it has Zero appeal. It tastes just like the normal stuff. But then it's got a swanky black and white label with flashes of silver here and there which they believe makes it all manly and stuff. "Hey boet, i just dropped my Coke Zero, won't you bend over and pick it up for me?". Give me a goddam break. Their pay off line couldn't get more camp if it lived in a pink tent and worshipped Zsa Zsa Gabor - "Enjoy Coke-ness, with Zero Calories" - have you ever heard such piffle?

Open their industrial fridges and you'll now find Coke Cherry, Coke Lime and Coke Lemon (we're splitting hairs on the flavour frontier on the last two) and if that's not bad enough, let's introduce the sugar free versions of all of those too. I can't wait until they bring out Diet Coke Roast Beef With Shallots And Mushy Peas. Don't laugh - i reckon it's in the focus groups as i type.

One cautionary heads up for South Africans who pop over here: woe betide you should ask for a Coke Light when you're ordering from your more-often-than-not dof pommie waitress. She'll look at you aghast, her eyes bulging wildly in a 'something large and prickly just dropped out of my bottom' kind of way, gum chewing coming to a grinding halt, pen suspended shakily in mid air (which is really just for show coz she probably can't read or write). Much like good manners and well behaved children, Coke Light does not exist in this country. It is Diet Coke. Coke Light - Diet Coke - Coke Light - Diet Coke. Am i just dangerously above the average intelligence of a protozoan hiccup or is it simply impossible to approach this with a degree of logic and/or (let's be lenient here) plain common sense? I sense another addition to the Bitch Slap list coming on.

If this is what they call 'The Coke side of life' could somebody please pass the razor blade?