iKona Wena!

Bored out of my little skull (for a change) i entered a competition or two on Worth1000.com - they were only beginners ones but still, i won. So i rule. The paddling pool. But then i happened upon what the 'big kids' have been getting up to and being Capetonian, only one word came to mind: Heeeeectic.
Have a squizz at the best of the rest.

** Update: Just to clarify that this is NOT my little creation. I wish it was but the sad fact is it's not. These okes are professionals. And stuff. You didn't really think i'd show you mine did you?

Scratching The Underdog's Belly

Aaaaaaawwww... Britain just loves a happy ending.

F*&! You, You Fat F*&!

So i just love the 14th of February. And so does Herpes. Venereal Disease shares the same abbreviation. Coincidence? I think not. Anyway, thanks to ( ) for the heads up, we shall be able to spread a little love (read 'extend middle finger whilst mouthing filthy words') rather than a carpet of boils this year. My recipient list is spreading. For the cards not the boils. Enjoy.


** Please note: No Granny Wranglers contracted any venereal diseases in the typing of this post, nor have they contracted any sexually transmitted nasties. Ever. Any reference to said diseases is purely for advertising purposes.

Eric Watch: Day 4

10.28am Ok i'm over this now. The bastard just won't die. His head's now disappeared so bang goes any hope of intelligent conversation now and lets not forget his boy bits dropped off first so he's officially NO use to me anymore. Seeing as he now just won't f*ck off I have simply poured half a kettle of boiling water on him. I can already hear the strains of Nelly Furtado... "she's a maaaan eater... dadadadadaaah". Evil bitch, aren't I?

R.I.P and all that crap.

Eric Watch: Day 3

8.59am "He's got the whoooole wooorld in his hands, he's got the whooooole woooorld in his hands, he's got the whooo..". You get the picture.

09.02am I have realised i need help. This is sad. F*cking sad. I've gone soft. But Eric hasn't.

Eric Watch: Day 2

8.17am No snow. Frost yes. With the exception of his willy dropping off in the early hours of this morning, either from frostbite or foxbite, Eric is in a stable condition in the flower pot at the front door. He can't possibly last another whole day though. Not a hope in hell. Really.

2.02pm Little buddy's struggling. Left eye popped out of it's socket in the afternoon sunshine.

20.27pm My god, i think He's going to make it another night! Either he's just the best thing since sliced bread or i make a damn fine snowman. Sh*t, now i'm confused. I don't know who rules more. It's hard to tell really, when you weigh up eerm... ja... and then i suppose... well ja... ja... ja... ja it's me. I rule more. Oh stop it, do you really think so? You do? Really? Stop it i'm blushing.

Eric Watch: Day 1

7.46pm Eric is alive and well. He has lost a little weight and is looking rather gaunt but i reckon he'll make it through the night. Who knows, maybe he'll dingle them berries and cause a fresh snowstorm tonight? Tsk tsk.

The Ultimate One Night Stand

I have found him. I have found the perfect man. He is more perfect than my french manicure. So he's pretty damn perfect. His name is Eric. He has brown eyes. He could do with a bit of a tan. He loves the outdoors, is hung like a reindeer and fits in the palm of my hand. He tells me i'm hot. He's only good for one night but hey, he always sleeps on the wet spot (good heavens what's that?!?!), and if he's still hanging around in the morning all i have to do is light up a smoke and he's gone. With one devilish look i can reduce the poor man to a puddle.

Yes, ladies and gentlefolk, i created my very first SnowStud today, complete with ye olde twig 'n berries and i loved every goddamn minute of it.

Couldn't get the pics off my camera but i shall reveal him in all his reindeer-like studly glory in due course.

F Is For Funny.

I had a very short and very sweet conversation this morning with my latest charge Muppet, who seems to be an English Gentleman through and through, with one exception: he's funny. And nice. (My teacher in junior school told me never to use that word. Sorry Mrs Vandoros).

Me: I've been meaning to ask what your cats' names are... (rather sheepish as i've been here for three weeks, fed them twice a day and refer to them as "bloody little sh*ts" under my breath)

Muppet: The black one is Benson... the tabby is Hedges.

(pause)

Muppet Contd: But don't worry, neither of them smoke.

It was there and then that i think i split my sides and wet my broeks all at the same time. I may have snorted as well but I blacked out shortly thereafter and it shall remain a mystery.

Big Brother I'm Watching You.

Can ya just smell the burning trail of the ratings graph as Channel 4 rockets to the stars and straight on til morning? Or are you overwhelmed with the diabolical stench of pig sh*t which is almost visibly leaking out of Jade Goody's ears?

(Aside: Hi my name is The Granny Wrangler and I watch Celebrity Big Brother)

I have often used my chosen temporary career as an excuse to watch trashy television and today more so than ever. What i haven't done however is tarnish this blog with smatterings of lust, disgust or any other reaction pertaining to trashy tv and it's characters. I've kept it tidy. Nobody wants to read about the things i'd like to do to Wentworth Miller given a bottle of honey and half an hour in a hotel room. (Ok, so maybe i mentioned him once but that was out of context and besides, Prison Break is anything but trashy - pssst...new series starts in the states on Monday by the way ;)).

For the uninformed (hows living under that rock workin' out for ya?) :

Everyone (except Osama Bin Laden who was unavailable for comment at the time) thinks Celebrity Big Brother housemate Jade Goody, ("white trash" according to Jermaine Jackson, and famous for sweet-fanny-adams) is a foul-mouthed, inarticulate lower class trashy cow, with an IQ to rival a f*cking fizz pop and a boyfriend who, I'm sure Osama would agree, is as exciting as a sodding broomstick. She and her Recruit-A-Coven buddies in the CBB house, Jo O'Meara and Danielle Lloyd, have been unwittingly making TOTAL ar*eholes of themselves across the globe by doing what thick-o's do best - bullying. And not just anyone mind you. Shilpa Shetty is, like, huge man. And not in a MickeyD's/KingPie kinda way. Like as in a random Checkers deli counter chickybabe versus Angelina Jolie kinda way.

So anyway, the world's gone nearly as mad as Jade's ma and okes are burning effigies in the streets of Bombay (or Beijing, or wherever it is they eat with their hands, Danielle) citing racist atrocities in the BB house. Fleet Street think all their Christmases have come at once, and Old Wotzit face Tony Blair even mentioned it in parliament for Google's sake (thanks Kyk).

Can anybody spell OTT? Anybody? Jade? Fancy a go? Danielle? Ooo, don't forget to breathe honey. Anybody?

* Think of this little link as an intravenous drip for all you BB addicts out there.

** Any bad language in this post is, of course, due to the influence Jade Goody has had on me. I am ashamed to say the least. But i'm not changing it.

I Deserve To Be Shot.

Wow.

It's been a while.

Sorry. I offer no legitimate excuses. Actually I do. I've been on 2 fabulous holidays, spent most of Cape Town face-down in a puddle of champagne, coming up only to take a drag of my Marlboro. No thanks to British Airways, i finally made it to Belgium for the coldest Christmas my arse has ever seen and then found myself face down in Framboise beer and Frieten. Daytime temperatures of -1 and a light dusting of snow was the general order of the day so being inside cramming mincepies into my gob was a much more appealing idea, although i did do a bit of open air skating and munched on honeyed almonds and chestnuts (roasted on an open fire!!) whilst wandering the Christmas market in Brugges.

I'm back, I'm fat and I'm ready to rock and roll. Grandokes, hold onto your commodes, The Granny Wrangler's resurfaced and she's cracking her emergency pull-cord! Time to kick some wrinkly crusty butt!!